On defenses

Will this actually be a normal blog, instead of the weird, twisting, semi-philosophical hedge maze that I usually manage to work myself into? Probably not, since it certainly hasn't bloody started that way.

Luis was working tonight at XES, which is the only place he works at that I can actually reasonably meet him, so I decided to go after I got off work. We've seen each other for all of four hours the past month, and even though we talk just about every evening, I was, and still am, really feeling his physical absence. (Come to think of it...I can't really recall an evening recently where we didn't talk in one way or another...even if it was just me complaining endlessly about how stupidly difficult Zodiark is. Which he is, by the way. I'd go so far as to say retardedly difficult. There is simply no reason something should be able to whack you repeatedly without a cooldown, and then launch Darkja when you've just barely managed to recover from the last time it happened. Even with Demon Shields / Black Masks equipped, the silly thing managed to wipe my entire party in a single hit. MY ENTIRE PARTY! With dark-absorbing equipment equipped! SILLINESS! At least Final Eclipse is worth it - for the cutscene alone, in fact, which is a good thing as Zodiark got stomped when I whipped him out against The Undying. F'ing Terraflare.)

Anyway, XES was at that pleasant medium between uncomfortably packed and utterly empty and me, being the somewhat anti-social individual that I am, just sort of settled down to have a quiet drink and get snatches of Luis where I could. That somehow managed to radiate the message, "Come talk to me, oh loud-and-obnoxious-individual-drunk-off-your-ass-at-7pm! I'm entirely too polite to tell you off!" Which, of course, one did, and I, of course, was too polite to tell him off. He did, however, also hand me one of those black plastic bases disguising a fairly powerful magnet, and a large collection of flat metal slivers shaped like stylized people. I proceeded to focus my attention on building something relatively aesthetically pleasing, in a symmetrical sort of way, and seeing how high I could stack the slivers on edge.

Said drunk individual then proceeded to explain to me the concept of magnetism, why my endeavors were largely futile, and why I ought to just throw them into a pile and play with them as an infant might squiggle in a pile of mud. I was mildly inclined to snap something along the lines of, "I broke the curve in my E&M class, you atrocious boor! I know how fucking magnetism works, and I don't need your parochial sense of aesthetics telling me what to do!" It's possibly fortunate that my patience wasn't quite that frayed.

At any rate, he eventually turned his attention to someone else, and I eventually made my way to the counter so as to better intercept Luis during his rounds between the bar and the downstairs storage. After a brief, somewhat banal conversation with the cocktail waiter, whose name is Derek, I met Luis's friend Francis.

That turned out to be quite a highlight. Francis is an extremely interesting individual, in the course of our conversation and we touched on topics ranging from events in China and Africa to personal traumas and philosophy. We meandered a great deal, as slightly tipsy conversations often do, and at one point my defenses slipped in a really drastic way. He told me a story - two stories, actually, horrific and touching, and I actually teared up hearing them. The alcohol probably had something to do with it, but that was still kind of a shock. Anyway, Francis said a few more things, words of advice on relationships, and on being yourself, and on letting people in. On the whole, it was an extremely engaging conversation - one of the best I've had recently - and I was utterly stunned when Luis told me it was half past eleven.

Half past bloody farking eleven! I'd been in XES for four hours and it felt like a quarter that amount!

It left me ruminating about various and sundry things, but the most pertinent was a piece of parting advice from Francis, regarding letting my defenses down. That it was something I needed to do, and should do, more often. That it's healthy, and that it's not a matter of weakness.

Which was something about me I'd been contemplating for a while - really since my second year at the Academy, but much more so since I came back from B'burg last summer, and decided that I would give dating a real, serious try. I've been scathed a fair amount in my life, and the worst of the damage was dealt by the two people who were supposed to protect me from getting hurt, at least until I'd gotten old enough to deal with the world in a manner less...self-destructive than my chosen method for the last 13 years or so. I've generally come to terms and to peace with that, and with them, but the defenses have already been erected and they don't come down easily at all.

Myia actually pointed it out, some time ago, all the things I do without even realizing to protect myself. Keeping my cards close. Keeping people at a distance. Keeping my opinions on anything that really matters to myself. Adopting a neutral stance, in all matters of substance. To the point where...I do it instinctively, where I don't even realize that I'm talking without doling out a single piece of personal information. I think everybody does that, to some extent, but her observation seemed...peculiarly sobering, for some reason. Then again, she has a way of doing that.

I'm not even sure why I'm writing this, and writing it now. Just things I was thinking about, on the subway, on the way home. A bit of introspection, a bit of self-criticism, a bit of consideration. Ways that I could be...a better person, maybe, than I am now. I don't know.

Ha. I suddenly realize I kind of did exactly what I was talking about earlier. Waffling around all over the place being somewhat witty before getting to the point. And the really fun part is...I actually haven't even gotten to the real point...