On upheavals

This is absolutely surreal, like watching the Twin Towers fall again in slow motion. The last time I felt like this...okay, the last time I felt like this was when I momentarily became convinced that all my views about the world were actually wrong: that the world really isn't ultimately a...fair place? Something like that. Or maybe just that people ultimately only look out for themselves, not for anyone else, and all of my optimism up to this point was just childish bullshit. My sense of the universe, of my own self-worth, and of the worthiness of everything momentarily become completely skewed, and I think I actually fell into a state of despair for the first time in...well, a long time. I desperately, desperately wanted someone to talk to, and wouldn't you know it but it was three AM and none of my friends were online.

I rode it out, as I do all my little emotional ups and downs, and I remain happily optimistic.

Seems like complete tripe right now. I can't even place this. 80% of New Orleans is underwater. Bodies piling up in the streets. People shooting at the helicopters, just so someone would actually come and help their families. I mean, holy hell in a bloody fucking handbasket. Is this the US? We who have mastery of everything that is, was, and shall be? Jesus Christ.

I donated some money to the Red Cross, but it seems woefully inadequate. I can rationalize it, of course - I'm a student at a very expensive school, making just enough money every month to cover my rent and expenses. I donated some of what I had after rent, food, and so forth...but not all of it. And I have credit cards. I can stand dumping a little more into them - my credit line is ridiculously good for a student, after all.

It's totally irrational, but I find myself halfway contemplating the merits of hopping a plane down into the region of New Orleans and joining the Red Cross. Maybe if I weren't convinced that I'd have no idea what to do or where to go, and that I'd probably just end up being more of a hazard than a help to the people around me. Or maybe I'm just telling myself that so I don't feel like such a shit for NOT actually hopping a plane, flying down to New Orleans, and fucking ladling soup to people. Or maxxing out my credit cards on the Red Cross. Shit. I don't know.

God, I'm whining, and I'm not even IN New Orleans. Fuck this.