Kevin (my roommate) had his birthday party last night and I drank entirely too much wine. In between passing out in (fortunately) my own bed and waking up to accidentally ogle Jason having sex in our living room (oops), I had the most peculiar dream. I dreamt that I was, appropriately enough, in my apartment with a party going on - I was in Kevin's room for whatever reason, and Luis was with me. I kissed him, once, and without a word he got up and walked away, leaving behind a folded sheet of green paper. Upon reading the paper, I realized that it was a letter I'd written to him, asking whether or not he'd ever considered getting back together with me. He'd written a lot of things in reply, but most of it was scribbled out and unreadable. At the very bottom were just two words: "No. Never."
That sort of ruined my day.
The funny thing is...getting back together with Luis isn't something I'd very seriously considered - consciously, at least, which is apparently the point. (Damn you, endless sea of the subconscious!) Mind you, knowing Luis has been one of the best things in my life. It has enriched my existence considerably and expanded my horizons in a fashion that I probably would never have accomplished on my own. It's weird to think that we've only known each other barely a year, because he's one of my closest friends, both in New York and outside of it, and I feel like we've been that way forever. When we were dating, I don't think I was emotionally mature enough to handle a relationship, and therefore being friends was the right thing to shift into. (For that matter, I'm not sure that I'm emotionally mature enough to handle a long-term relationship now, but that's a slightly different set of cows than the one we're haggling over now.) At any rate, it would truly have sucked if we'd pressed on with being boyfriends, only to have the relationship go sour and have to end things on a bad note. That was one of the considerations we had in deciding to be just friends, actually.
Further pressing the point is the fact that I actually have a tough time now associating Luis with romance. We click synchronously enough as friends that the notion of buying him flowers and writing him sappy cards just seems...kind of weird now.
So I don't know why that dream bothered me so much - it certainly cracked my reserve enough for Luis to notice this morning. Maybe it's because it's Valentine's Day, and we broke up around this time last year, so I'm naturally reminded of when we were "together". Maybe it's because to-date, the relationship I had with Luis still remains my longest-running and most successful, in a way making him the yardstick against which I automatically measure all my other dates. Maybe it's because of the existential crisis I've had recently, wherein I felt like I've lost my way professionally, and at this hallmark of Valentine's Day I'm feeling like my love life isn't faring any better. Maybe I'm just starved for affection.
Ugh. Sometimes I wish I weren't joking when I claim that Asian guys are heartless cyborgs.
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