On the origins of homosexuality

Men and women everywhere were rocked today by a scientific breakthrough that came, of all places, from the tiny offices of the Tas travel agency. Despite a complete lack of research, no adherence to the scientific method, and no discernible hard evidence, the company - which to this point had sadly restricted itself to selling luxury cruises - has proven beyond a doubt the true cause of homosexuality among men and women.

P. L. Marshall, president of the company, issued a press release over a lunch of bran flakes and feta cheese describing the incredible find.

"It's really very simple," the honorable Mr. Marshall stated. "What if a child has a crab-faced mother and an insanely gorgeous father? Isn't it possible that the child is so repulsed by his horrifying mother that he becomes attracted to his father instead? Then, when he grows out of this reversed Oedipus complex, he naturally displaces this affection onto other men."

The information - so blatantly and revoltingly obvious that it had clearly escaped the higher minds of the American psychology community for decades - promises a massive paradigm shift; perhaps one that rivals the dramatic shift in thinking after Darwin's earthshattering "Origin of Species."

"It's absolutely astounding," reported Dr. Taylor Fields, senior psychologist at the Chimaerical Institute for Psychological Health. "We never even imagined that something so abjectedly retarded as crab-facedness among mothers could be the cause of homosexuality among men. Of course, it all makes sense if you just imagine that the universe really is out to get you, and that we ultimately mean rendered dog turds in the grand scheme of things. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go redeem myself by drowning in a porta-potty."

Margaret Cohen of North Fork, Tennessee, was stunned to hear the news. Mrs. Cohen, whose face has been described by neighbors as "the very sphincter of Hell," stated, "Oh my God! It really IS all my fault!"

Her husband, Mr. Andrew Cohen, commented, "I never actually noticed it before, but you're absolutely right! She's hideous! She looks like the ass crack of Hades! What the hell was I on? I want a divorce!"

Not everyone, however, believes in the validity of the research. The Cohens' son, Robert (known locally as Pricilla McQueen), remains skeptical.

"Well fuck-a-doodle-doo...another BS scientific discovery about why I like to suck cock. Why don't you sons of bitches do something important, like find out why people still wear pleated jeans?"

Others insist that they knew all along.

"Ah knew it!" added Jimmy-Bob McCree, native of sixty years to Podunk, West Virginia. "Those gawddamn homersexuels're a gawddamn unnacheral insult to God and nature an' this here research proves it! We oughtta line'em all up and give'm the firin' squad. Er put'em to work diggin' ditches. Er sumtin'." Mr. McCree was unavailable for further comment, as he returned to performing various unmentionable acts of a carnal nature with his pit bull.

Podunk is one of several thousand charming towns scattered throughout the American south where certain pigment-challenged residents may still occasionally awaken to the sight of a flaming cross on their lawns. Homosexuals here, though uncommon, are nevertheless regularly ostracized in a ritual process involving bundles of sticks and a tall stake meant to reduce further incidences of "sexual immorality." However, it is in small towns like Podunk, where reduced gene pools often result in physical deformity, that news of the research struck like lightning. When informed that they would have to either promote homosexuality or marry outside the family, most residents of the town spontaneously imploded.

Scientists are not, however, discouraged by the mass outbreak of gruesome death in rural America.

"Does it matter?" Dr. Fields remarked from inside a porta-potty in Central Park. "Another few generations and they'd have bred themselves into extinction anyway. The point is that we now have an easy way to prevent the spread of homosexuality. Just don't let ugly people have kids. I know it's kind of hard-wired into our shallow, shallow society anyway, but alcohol can still cause a lot of flukes, particularly in Las Vegas. Now go away! You're distracting me."

A proposal for a constitutional Amendment is already underway in the House of Representatives, requiring all couples who want to have children to register and pass an objective test on hotornot.com.

In an even more sweeping motion, the Pope declared that allowing ugly people to breed would now be tantamount to condoning sodomy, and as such be a direct act against God. It was a therefore a matter of course to officially ban such a blasphemous thing in church doctrine. To further discourage misplaced affections among the youth, only ugly men would henceforth be allowed in the priesthood, and stunningly gorgeous women permitted in convents. The habit, long a staple of the convent, would be replaced by string bikinis and thongs in order to jar younger adherents in the proper direction. When noted that such a thing may, in fact, condone lesbianism instead, an anonymous bystander stated, "Sweet! Lesbians are hot! I'm so converting to Catholicism!"

Certain individuals, however, have suggested a more moderate approach.

"There's, like, no need to be so drastic," asserts J. T. Morgan of Sanatee, Pennsylvania. "If people are so concerned about it, just put a paper bag over the mother's head for the first few years. That ought to do it."

Note: I actually hadn't intended this to be so long, and it seemed to get rather darker than I intended as I wrote...but anyway, this little work of satire does result from an actual conversation at work. No, obviously none of these people actually exist, or said any of these things. The crab-faced mother comment, however, is a real one, and I might have disputed it if I weren't busting my ass laughing.