Once again, I post when I should be in bed, but sometimes I just can't help myself. I'm feeling angry tonight - mostly with myself, some with my Movement partner, and a little with the state of the world. Acting has...not been fun for me lately. In all honesty, I don't think I've committed myself to the work as much as I should be, and I think that if I could, it might be fun again. It's just...hard...personalizing the lines, the imagery, and trying to get everything in order so that they happen in a way that's at least appropriate to the script. I really don't know why it always seem so difficult to find personalizations that seem to affect me...I keep meaning to try using a bit of music to help me relax into it. Perhaps I'll wake early tomorrow in order to do so.
Anyway, I'm currently angry with myself because I'm such a damn pushover. I want people to like me, and I hate doing things that may make people DISLIKE me. I know - it's sad. I can rationalize it all I want - I can say I don't confront my partner because I don't want to make working with her any more difficult and trying than it already is - but the fact is I just don't like confronting people. Especially when they are trying to make it work out, or at least seem like they are. If she were unceasingly difficult, that would make it much easier to just call her out on it. Bah! Part of me just wants to go to the instructor and say, "It's been an incredible hell of a time trying to get together with her, work with her, and generally just agree to something," but I keep feeling like that's a betrayal of...something. I dunno. I'm always entirely too eager to take things upon myself rather than let them go where they most logically should go.
Aagh! I'm just so damn FRUSTRATED with everything! I mean EVERYTHING! Part of me wonders what the hell I'm doing in second year. Why am I here?! Do I belong here? I look at every other scene around me and it's like everyone is getting SOMETHING, some aspect of their work that's making them stronger actors, and I am just stuck. I say to my acting teacher: "I think I'm making some progress," but I am getting to believe that less and less. Acting just doesn't feel as...smooth...to me as it used to. And if Todd (my quirky, Freudian Acting Styles instructor) is to be believed, a large part of that is because my emotional prep isn't helping me. Well, I knew that. My prep has never helped me. Trying to get into my prep is an exercise in futility. Trying to find something that actually affects me on an emotional level is like chipping away at an ice berg with a toothpick. GRAAAGH! (Hmmmmm...where DID
Yes, I can see the irony of this, thank you. I think I just need to relax. That's the key to everything. Relax and breathe from the core, and focus on the images for just a bit, and maybe...just maybe...they'll be there for me. Take what I need off my partner, and hopefully everything will be fine. Commit - commit to SOMETHING, and...it will be okay. Everything will be okay. Optimism wins out over everything, in the end.
Anyway - off to bed with me. Six hours of sleep isn't bad.
No comments:
Post a Comment